Entry 5: The Looming Timeline
Your twenties are so fucking weird. I had an existential crisis on my 20th birthday because I felt all this pressure. From a young age, you're taught that your twenties are supposed to be the best years of your life. You’re supposed to graduate college, get an awesome job, find your soulmate, get married, and start having kids. How the hell is anyone supposed to do all of that in the span of ten years? I was so worried because there were all these expectations, and I was afraid I wouldn’t reach any of them. I had just turned 20, and it felt like the next decade of my life had flashed before my eyes.
Five years later, I’m 25 and a month and a half away from turning 26. I will officially be closer to 30 than 20 (I don’t want to talk about it, except I am). I graduated college and do have a great job, but I am nowhere near any of the other “expectations.” Over these five years, I’ve grown immensely as a person, made wonderful lifelong friends, traveled the world, and loved every second. I wouldn’t trade any of my experiences, and I love how I’ve spent my twenties. But your twenties are hard. I have friends who are married with kids or expecting, friends who are engaged or about to be. And then there’s me, who woke up wildly hungover yesterday morning and floated on a river for seven hours (great hangover cure, by the way).
Photo from my 20th birthday. I was so excited and nervous for my twenties.
Although I love my single life, it’s hard not to think about the “timeline” society puts on everyone. We all know we’ll meet our person one day, but it’s hard not to wonder when. At this rate, my timeline is dead, and the rest of these things aren’t happening in the next five years, at least not all of them. I truly try not to put pressure on myself and I’m not in a rush to find my person, but it’s hard not to think about that looming timeline. Opening Instagram and seeing a million pregnancy announcements, engagement posts, bridal showers, baby showers, weddings, the list goes on. I’m happy for every single person who has found their person and is growing in that aspect of life. I don’t compare myself to them. You will lose your mind if you’re constantly stressing about the timeline and finding “the person.” If anything, you might accidentally choose the wrong person just because you felt like they had to be it in order to match your timeline.
To be completely honest, I’ve had those moments of “what if it doesn’t work out?” or times when I’ve felt lonely. A couple of months ago, Charlotte got hit with a huge snowstorm, and I was stuck inside my apartment all weekend, alone. I sat around, watched TV, read, and scrolled on social media. I don’t know what it was about that weekend specifically, but it felt like every time I scrolled, I saw another announcement of someone hitting a milestone I was nowhere near. Then I saw an Instagram story from a guy I used to talk to. It was a picture of him and a girl. Keep in mind, we haven’t spoken in like three and a half years. There are no lingering feelings whatsoever. But it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I started crying. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I hadn’t been outside in 72 hours because of the storm and my period was starting the next week. Still, I just sat there looking at all this stuff on social media thinking, “Oh my god, what is going on? How has this happened for everyone but me?”
In reality, it isn’t everyone but me. I know plenty of people who are in the same position. When we play the comparison game, we convince ourselves it’s us versus everyone else, that we’re the only ones behind. This relates back to my blog post from a couple of weeks ago where I said you need to focus on what you do have. I do have amazing friends, a supportive family, a great job, an apartment I’ve decorated to feel like a home, and so much more. Being in a relationship doesn’t equal infinite happiness. Truthfully, some people are better off being single than staying in an unhappy relationship. A lot of people fear being alone because society teaches us that single people are supposed to be miserable — but that’s not true. I think love and relationships are amazing and beautiful, and I look forward to the day it happens for me.
Although I’m happy for everyone and their life decisions, I don’t envy them. I can’t even imagine having a husband or child right now because I’m nowhere near either of those things. Had my early twenties gone differently, maybe I would be almost married or expecting. I really don’t know and I think that’s the beauty of life. You can plan all you want, but only the things that are meant to happen will happen. If my path had gone differently, I wouldn’t have spent six months in Europe. I might never have moved to Charlotte or met the amazing friends I have here. Don’t stress about things you cannot control. You can’t control when you’ll meet your person or when you’ll have kids. It’s annoying to hear “it’ll happen when you least expect it,” but I think it’s true, and comforting. It’s nice knowing that one day it will happen. It could be tomorrow. Who knows. Find comfort in knowing that it will all work out.
25th birthday in London!
All of this is to say: you are not behind. You are lovable and deserve to be loved deeply. Nothing is wrong with you, and you will find your person. Don’t stress about “the timeline.” Live your life the way you want to. Support your friends who are hitting their milestones. They deserve their flowers, and they’ll support you when it’s your turn. Even though I don’t want you to stress about it, I know it’s hard not to. It’s hard to shut your brain off and remind yourself that it will happen. We’re human and we have big feelings. It’s impossible not to look around and compare sometimes. You can have days where you feel bummed out and wonder when it’ll be your turn, but you can’t let it consume your life.
Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. Look at Taylor Swift. She went through the ringer with relationships in her twenties and early thirties, and now she’s engaged at 36 to her person. It may not happen the way we thought it would, but it will happen.
Sincerely,
Courtney